So Toby’s life began with a holiday..
Spain, a three star hotel four hours from the airport with a dodgey free breakfast. Sunshine was all we asked for however and we had it in spades, a holiday marked the end of our relationship and with that we both went our seperate ways. My ways further than most, Lauren and I travelled to Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Indonesia and Singapore. Little did we know we didn’t go alone.
It was two and a half months of pure bliss, we helped injured elephants, we walked and fed stray puppies, we took 17 hour bus journeys, we swam with mantarays, and learnt to scuba dive with turtles and octupus. It was everything I’d ever dreamed it’d be and more.
I remember distinctly a lady asking me when my baby was due and congratulating my bravery for travelling pregnant. I cried myself to sleep, I hit my stomach I was so ashamed to be seen to be so fat. I hadn’t looked in a mirror in months, I wasn’t one for photos in my bikini I had felt so beautiful and pure until then. I swore to diet, I watched Lauren eat cheap meals with sides and deserts and stuck to my salads.. I hoped to return home slim to never feel as embarrassed again.
I watched one night as my stomach shifted involuntary, it scared me so much I decided not to think about it. It’s not like I could visit a hospital on a remote island off Bali anyway. Everytime someone pointed out my large stomach I thanked God for the implant sitting secure in my left arm..by now I’d have worried they were right about me being pregnant.
Returning home to the UK was always going to be tough, we embraced the cold wet winter got jobs and went back to regular life. Finding black clothes from my wardrobe that fit nicely got harder by the day. My stomach had a tennis ball sized lump under my breast that I decided I should get checked out.
32 weeks pregnant, this baby had eyelids fingers toes. A fully formed person wiggling comfortably. And so I was taken into a small room taken blood, urine samples, crying through shock as a cold stern faced woman spat adoption advice at me. I could hear the other nurses retelling the story of the girl who didn’t know as I drowned out her dull voice. Nasty bitch. I look back to this day and think how many strange characters I met at that hospital. How insensitive a nurse could be.
I decided there was no time like the present as the implant was taken out of my arm so not to affect the baby, I know next joke huh..and I met the dad to tell him the news.
He took it..okay, I tried not to take offense when he asked if it was definitely his baby..he was in shock, maybe. He said he’d be there though, and I believed him. He was there through our short pregnancy I met him weekly to keep him updated. 5 months into Toby’s life and we never saw or heard from him again. Not a reply to our messages not a comment on Toby’s photos.
Toby was born gorgeous and he stayed gorgeous. It’s a scary thing childbirth, it’s a little more attention than you’d hope for..in that area. The first couple weeks aren’t easy either your midwife visits to tell you he’s not eating enough, he’s sleeping too much, that your friends won’t relate to you anymore due to your age. Your health visitor visits to ask if you’re in pain and ask about the family situation..overall it’s a little too personal for my liking.
He was beautiful all the same. A little angel dropped into my life, I loved him instantly.
Toby's taking over 